PARENTAL GENDER DISAPPOINTMENT
Gender Disappointment
and Parental Wellbeing
Understanding how experiences relating to a preference for baby's sex can impact parental mental health and emotional wellbeing
For some parents and parents-to-be, discovering that your baby’s sex is not what you had hoped for can bring up unexpected and deeply upsetting emotions.
You may have always known that you hoped for a baby of a particular sex and anticipated it might be difficult if this did not happen. Or perhaps you didn’t expect to feel this way and have found yourself surprised or confused by the intensity of your response. Either way, this can feel incredibly difficult to talk about with others and share how you are really feeling.
It is this emotional and psychological distress in relation to baby’s sex which is referred to as parental gender disappointment. Whilst this term can be a helpful starting point in providing a shared language for parents to recognise and talk about these experiences, it can also be easily misunderstood and does not tell us what is happening for an individual parent or how the preference for baby’s sex and related distress has developed. In therapy, parents describe something far more nuanced, emotionally layered and personally meaningful than this term alone can capture.
I work with parents who are struggling with the emotional impact that can follow when a preference for baby’s sex or hoped-for gendered family composition does not become reality, and who are seeking support to better understand these feelings, navigate the distress they are experiencing and move forward with greater clarity, self-compassion and acceptance. Therapy offers time and space to explore what is happening, what it means to you and how it is affecting your wellbeing, with care, compassion and without judgement.
Understanding Parental Gender Disappointment
A helpful way to begin to understand what we mean when using this term is by considering two closely related parts:
01. Experience
the experience of:
holding a preference relating to the sex of your baby
and
anticipating, discovering or adjusting to the possibility of this not happening
02. Impact
the impact this can have on:
parental mental health and emotional wellbeing
including
psychological and emotional distress which may lead parents to seek support
The term parental gender disappointment refers to the presence of both of these parts together. A preference for the sex of baby can occur without related distress (indeed, many parents will have a preference and go on to have a baby of that sex). Distress in parenthood can arise for many different reasons, not necessarily related to the sex of baby.
Whilst the term parental gender disappointment has become increasingly visible online and in the media in recent years, it is often misunderstood and sometimes reduced to the idea of a parent being ‘disappointed with their baby’. In reality the distress parents bring into the therapy room is far more emotionally layered and psychologically complex, connected to deeper meanings, identity, grief, worries, relationship dynamics and the future imagined for themselves and their family.
In my work, the focus is less on the label itself and more on recognising what is happening for you, the meaning it holds and how it is affecting your wellbeing. When we begin to understand the preference, the meanings behind it and the context in which it has developed, the emotional distress that can follow makes much more sense, often bringing greater clarity, compassion and space to move forward when this feels right for you.
Let’s look at these two parts in more detail:
Experiences Relating to Holding a Preference for Baby's Sex
Some themes we might explore together include:
Hopes, Worries, Expectations and Assumptions About Family Life. Preferences for baby’s sex exist within a wider context of imagined family life, parenthood, identity and future relationships. These may be shaped by consciously known hopes, worries and expectations, as well as more deeply held and unconscious assumptions, beliefs and representations. Many parents and parents-to-be carry long-held ideas about the kind of family they may one day have and for some, the sex of their child or children holds personal significance. The gendered meaning of baby’s sex can become deeply connected to the imagined baby carried within a parent’s mind, their own identity as a mother or a father, and the kinds of relationship envisioned or believed possible between parent and child (for example, mother-son or mother-daughter relationships).
Anticipation, Encountering and Reminders of a Different Reality. Expecting or discovering a hoped-for future may not happen or now never will, or that a worried-about future is coming to be, can feel deeply painful, confusing and difficult to process. Many parents I work with describe struggling with the gap between the family life they thought they would have and their reality now in the present, as well as worries that can extend far into the future. It is often at the initial point of realisation or confirmation that baby’s sex might not be or is not as hoped, that related emotional and psychological distress first (and often intensely) emerges. This distress can continue to be reactivated over time, with repeated and ongoing reminders of this gap between what was hoped-for and the current reality. Many parents I work with also recognise a strong pull towards wanting or trying to influence baby’s sex and a sense powerlessness or loss of control when this is something that can’t be determined.
Personal Meaning and Wider Influences on Preference for Baby’s Sex. Expectations about family life and preference for baby’s sex are shaped by and connected to many different, significant factors including earlier and personal experiences, relationships and family dynamics, trauma, identity, values, wider sociological and cultural influences and norms, gendered stereotypes, media and social media influences, and beliefs about parenting or raising children of a particular sex.
Other Experiences Alongside Holding a Preference for Baby’s Sex. Many parents who hold a preference for baby’s sex are also navigating significant and challenging aspects of parenthood and wider life circumstances. This can intensify distress, bring confusion about emotions and add to layers of guilt, shame and self-judgement. In some cases, these experiences may also contribute to the development or strengthening of a preference for baby’s sex itself. Other experiences within and alongside parenthood may include fertility difficulties, pregnancy or infant loss, traumatic birth, neonatal care, medical complications, significant bereavement, difficulties within important relationships or earlier trauma resurfacing at this stage of life.
The Impact on Parental Mental Health and Emotional Wellbeing
When hopes about baby’s sex do not align with reality, or when worries about baby’s sex have to be faced, parental wellbeing can be affected in many different ways. For some parents, the related distress is fleeting, manageable or settles within a shorter period of time. For others, emotional and psychological distress can feel intense, persistent, confusing and overwhelming.
Distress relating to the sex of baby (aka parental gender disappointment) is not a diagnosable mental health condition and, in my view, should not be considered as such. However, the impact of holding a preference for baby’s sex and this not becoming reality has the potential to contribute to wider diagnosable mental health difficulties, such as anxiety, depression or trauma-related responses within and beyond the perinatal period (pregnancy, birth, early parenthood).
Because this experience (non-attainment of a preference for baby’s sex) and related distress is often misunderstood by others, many parents feel judged, alone and unable to speak honestly about how they are feeling. I strongly believe that no parent should have to struggle in isolation or feel shamed into silence. If this is where you find yourself right now, please know that you are not alone in how you are feeling, and compassionate support is available.
Many of the parents I work with have described:
- Persistent sadness, worry and anxiety
- Intrusive and preoccupying thoughts about baby’s sex
- Being drawn to or stuck in patterns of action, to try to achieve what is hoped-for or avoid what is not-hoped-for
- Guilt, shame and self-judgement about holding a preference or their reactions
- Feeling emotionally withdrawn or overwhelmed
- Acute distress at the point of confirmation of baby's sex (eg non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT), ultrasound or birth)
- A sense of loss and grief which feels complicated and confusing to explain
- Fearfulness about the future and potential challenges with the certain sexed children they do have
- Concerns about if they will be able to bond well with their baby
- Feeling Isolated and fearing the judgement of others
- Mixed emotions that are difficult to make sense of
- Worries that others will think they don’t love their baby when they absolutely do
- Panic that others will think they are disappointed in and rejecting of the baby that they do have
- Avoidance of or hypervigilance to people or situations that are painful reminders (e.g. gendered baby clothing or others' pregnancy / birth announcements, baby showers, gender reveals, or families with the hoped-for gendered composition)
- Thoughts that parenthood was not meant to be or feel like this
- Upset about wanting to move forward but not knowing how to
My Expertise in This Area
My interest in understanding parental gender disappointment began in 2010 and became the focus of my Doctoral research and thesis. At that time, there were no published journal articles containing the term ‘gender disappointment‘ and, before the rise of social media, public discussions by parents and parents-to-be identifying with this experience were largely limited to anonymous online parenting forums.
My research explored what parental gender disappointment meant to the mothers sharing their experiences publicly online, and the themes that emerged from this work continue to inform how I support parents in the therapy room today.
After qualifying as a Clinical Psychologist in 2012, I worked in the NHS with children, adults, parents, families and professionals, developing my skills in applying a range of psychological therapies and psychologically-informed consultation in meaningful and compassionate ways. Later, after starting my own family and moving into private practice, I was surprised that I struggled to find professionals openly discussing parental gender disappointment online or offering specific and specialist support for parents in this area. In early 2021, I tentatively created my Instagram account, @theGDpsychologist, expecting that no one would want to talk to me about this topic. Instead, many parents and other professionals made contact and started to join in with conversations around parental gender disappointment both publicly and within direct messages, trusting me with keeping their anonymity.
Since then, my private therapy practice has grown with supporting parents navigating parental gender disappointment alongside the specialist perinatal and trauma-focused work that I do. Through this work I have come to deeply understand how varied and personal these experiences can be, and how often they sit within the wider emotional landscape of the journey into parenthood.
I am passionate in addressing the misunderstanding and misconceptions that can exist around holding a preference for baby’s sex and related distress, and about providing a compassionate, professional voice on this topic. I have contributed to media articles (including The Guardian, Grazia, Today and Mother and Baby), been interviewed on The Parenthood Podcast, spoken at a PANDAs (Perinatal Mental Health) support group and co-presented at an international conference on gender disappointment. Media enquires can be made here.
Compassionate Support for Gender Disappointment
You may recognise aspects of your own experience here. Therapy can offer a space to begin to understand the meaning beneath the preference you have held for having, or not having, a baby of a certain sex, alongside the emotional distress that can follow when this does not happen.
As a Clinical Psychologist, I offer a thoughtful, compassionate and psychologically informed approach to understanding parental gender disappointment within the wider emotional complexities of parenthood. My work considers the broader context of your life, including your personal history, your experiences of parenthood and any previous or current difficult life experiences.
Many of the parents I work with describe feeling confused, overwhelmed, or unsure why their reactions feel so intense. Together in therapy, we begin to make sense of this in a way that feels clearer, more manageable and less isolating.
I draw on evidence-based approaches including Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TF-CBT) amongst others, integrating these in a way that fits your individual experiences and needs. My work in this area is also informed by my doctoral research and specialist experience in perinatal mental health and trauma.
Therapy is not about judging your feelings or trying to ‘fix’ or ‘get rid’ of them, but about helping you make sense of and navigate what you are going through with greater clarity and compassion, finding ways forward that feel right for you.
If you recognise yourself here, you do not have to navigate this alone. I offer a range of ways to work together, including individual therapy or one-off consultations to those struggling with parental gender disappointment themselves, as well as specialist support for loved ones and professionals. If you would like to explore working together further, you can find more information here:
Contact Dr Lindsay
You are very welcome to get in touch to enquire about working together.
I offer a complementary 15-minute Introduction Call, where we can talk about what support you are looking for, how I may be able to help and any questions you may have.